Losing Weight

Loud sigh, being sad but only when the two of us are in the same room, throwing comments about not knowing what to do, saying she will live in her car if she has to, etc. So far every day, I watch The Boss put on this kind of emotional show.

I used to care, but not anymore.
Not because I wish anything bad for her. Definitely not because it makes me happy to see her being sad. More because I have zero clue how much of this is sincere. If the past more than two decades together tought me anything: most of her emotions are fake and that I cannot AND should not trust most of what she says.

In the off chance that her emotions are sincere, then it is too little, too late. Unlike her, I cannot flip-flop with this kind of feelings. Either I am in or out. I already decided that I am out and there’s no way back.

I am pretty sure going forward, she will present it in a way that I wanted to divorce and that she is the victim, who loves me. Missing the minor details that a couple years ago, she was already saying things like “the kids don’t like you”, she was saying she will move out of the country, she was saying she thinks a divorce would be better. Again threatening with the divorce. As she did so many times through the years. Except this was the last drop in the bucket for me, so I said that I agree, let’s divorce…

I should have followed through at that time. But things stopped when my baby started her downward spiral and ended up hospitalized. I just had no energy for anything else, other than holding things together as-is. But now that my baby is doing much better and that “holding things together as-is” is simply not good enough any longer, I asked her to move forward with the divorce. Not sure why this would come to her as a surprise. We have been living basically as roommates for such a long time.

I was weak. I didn’t have the strength to cut the ties sooner. I should have. Now, years later, but finally proceeding with the divorce, I feel a bit of a weight drops from my shoulders each time we have even a tiny step in the right direction. Right direction being: reaching verbal agreement on everything and getting the paperwork ready and signed.

I think of how much easier it would have been living through these past few years without that extra weight. How many opportunities for happiness have I missed, because I was too depressed to see? How many opportunities have I missed for happiness, because I was too depressed to even care about finding it? Not anymore. I can’t wait until I am ready to explore a life of freedom. Likely will be a much poorer life from a financial point of view, but I don’t care. As long as the kids and I will have enough, but have that freedom, I will be good. And I think long term the kids will be better off as well.

In the meantime, I’ll continue working on losing that extra weight off my shoulders…